The Phrases from My Father Which Saved Us when I became a First-Time Dad

"I think I was merely just surviving for a year."

Former Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the demands of fatherhood.

Yet the actual experience rapidly turned out to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Severe health complications during the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into acting as her chief support as well as looking after their infant son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every walk. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he became exhausted. It was a chat with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he required support.

The direct words "You are not in a good place. You need some help. What can I do to help you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and find a way back.

His experience is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. Although society is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties dads face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan thinks his difficulties are symptomatic of a wider inability to open up amongst men, who still internalise damaging notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and stays upright every time."

"It isn't a show of being weak to seek help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to admit they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - most notably ahead of a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is equally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the opportunity to request a pause - spending a few days away, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He understood he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the practical tasks of caring for a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan believes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and make sense of his decisions as a father.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen was without consistent male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences meant his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up emotions caused him to make "terrible decisions" when he was younger to modify how he felt, finding solace in alcohol and substances as an escape from the hurt.

"You find your way to behaviours that are harmful," he notes. "They may temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Managing as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, speak to a family member, your spouse or a therapist what you're going through. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the pursuits that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. This might be going for a run, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the body - a good diet, getting some exercise and where possible, resting, all contribute in how your emotional health is coping.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the challenges, as well as the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help is not failure - prioritising yourself is the most effective way you can care for your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the loss, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead give the safety and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the feelings constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they confronted their issues, altered how they express themselves, and learned to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my job is to instruct and tell you what to do, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."